5 November 2009


I have superpowers… FACT.

Yes it's true, I know that it's hard to believe and I'm sure some of you will think that I'm simply making it up, but it is true nonetheless. I have superpowers I really do.

Sadly it is not something that I have fully under control and to be honest it doesn't really have any benefits that I've managed to fathom and has in fact caused me nothing but annoyance and frustration my whole life.

I'm sure if the CIA or MI5 knew just how complete and total my powers were they would no doubt whisk me off and lock me in a laboratory somewhere for the rest of my life, probing and experimenting in a vain attempt to find out my secret, so they could use it for themselves… but I doubt they would be able to.

I have spent my whole life longing and hoping to find out how to control my very unusual powers with no success whatsoever, it seems logical that their efforts to unravel me would be fruitless as well.

(Has the anticipation level reached its required level… yes I think it probably has).

"So what superpowers do you have?" I imagine, I hear you cry…

Well I have two powers that I have discovered and the first… is the power to become completely invisible… really… no seriously stop chucking, I'm not kidding.

Invisibility! Probably one of the most commonly wished for superpowers.

Now this might actually seem like a fantastic gift… except it's not, because unfortunately my powers of invisibility  have a catch… I can only remain invisible in situations where nobody cares if I am invisible or not.

I couldn't walk into a bank for example, wander around the counter, stuff my pocket full of cash and walk out again unchallenged (oh no that would be too damned useful). You see people care too much about that sort of thing… and at the moment they start to care… POP I'm visible again.

In fact I'm not even sure it can be classed as a superpower, I think it's more of an amazing natural camouflage system. I can be invisible anywhere, anytime… except when it's important… except in situations where you might actually like to be invisible. In those situations… BAM I'm just about as visible as can be.

How do I know this… well the most obvious example of my powers in action can be witnessed simply by following me down a busy street. Most people have had that experience where you are walking and someone coming the other way is heading straight through the same bit of space as you. Sometimes people simply turn their shoulders slightly allowing you and themselves to continue with almost no delay. At other times people may take a more direct and unilateral move to the side, allowing you to pass, after which they can continue their journey unhindered. Lastly there is the common occurrence where both parties have decided to take the unilateral approach at the same time, which often leads to a comical moment of repeated polite side stepping, a quick laugh and then someone makes the right move and gets going again.

Well let me tell you… NONE of these standard methods apply to me. As I'm invisible until it becomes important, most people will walk straight at me, no shoulder turning, no side stepping… nothing, not until an impact is imminent and sometimes not even then.

At the very moment of realization that the person is going to actually collide with me, they generally suddenly care enough and I suddenly become visible again… at which point they normally act as if I have darted out in front of them from out of nowhere which is exactly how it must seem from their point of view.

I mean I'm a reasonably big guy and my dress sense could best be described as non standard (most of the time). So when I'm bowling down the street laptop bag over shoulder, Chicago Bears jersey sporting massive white numbers outlined in orange on a dark blue background… I should be pretty easy to spot… pretty easy to take evasive action to avoid a collision with right?

I'm also not a delicate flower of a man, not someone (from the look of me) that you'd want to deliberately walk into… and yet that is exactly what happens over and over again… every day, no matter where I am. And here's the really freaky bit, you remember I said I had two powers… well the second one really bloody complements the first one I can tell you… you see my second power is people magnetism!

It really doesn't matter how busy it is, if the streets are clear apart from myself and one other person coming the other way, they're gonna change direction sooner or later to a collision course with yours truly. I've seen it happen over and over again… in fact I think this power is worse than the being invisible bit, because it totally appears that not only do people not see me but by some strange form of attraction they will actually change their course towards a collision with me rather than afrom one or even just to stay going straight… they zone in on me. It's totally an observable phenomenon.

And it's not just on the street. Once I was standing in a store and I saw a woman make a decisive direction change and walk straight at me. I'm standing still, minding my own business, not moving at all and she walks right into me, eye contact and everything… didn't see me until she'd actually collided with me even though she was looking completely in my direction the whole way in. Anyway… she then tuts her tongue (as if I suddenly leapt into her path) and then she says indignantly… "excuse me, I'm trying to have a look at the special offers" and points right over my shoulder almost cuffing me in the ear at some unseen point behind me.

Now I know what you're thinking ("well you were probably just standing in her way and she wanted to get past") but I wasn't… the special offers she was trying to get a look at weren't behind me… they were behind her… always were… she looked directly at them just before her sudden switch of direction... I saw it happen.

I'm sure some of you are still convinced that I'm imagining it… but I'm not. If you want to see it in action, come walking with me on any random city street.

Some people have… and they're now convinced too… I am: The Invisible Man
(until somebody cares).